Merlin's Blog

Its all about the kevorkah. Last Saturday night I was at a party in the meat packing district of NYC. I walked into the party which was pretty packed and strolled up to the bar to order a drink. At the bar I engaged in conversation with two young ladies, one named Linda. Since there was only one bartender for about 200 people everyone was vying for her attention. The bartender came to me first and I ordered my drinks and offered to order the young ladies their drinks as well. After receiving the drinks I said it was nice meeting you and walked away. Another women, Amy happened to also be at the bar that evening and I got the impression she was looking at me. Every couple of seconds she would glance over. It became ridiculous since she was not subtle. Finally I walked over and asked if we new each other. Which we did. Friend of a friend. She was very nice and I introduced her and her friends to my buddies but because they were so cool, they didn't give my guys the time day. But my friend was still very friendly to me. As I moved on, I ran into Linda again. We talked for a while but she was leaving for another party and implored me to come with, which I was not going to do. She left and I ended up running into Amy again and we ended up talking for a while until low and behold guess who shows up again. Hello Linda. Yeah, we couldn't get into the party so I came back. Fantastic. Well good thing my boys were not far away and I was able to exit while they met Linda. At this point I realize that the Kevorkah is working overtime. We ended up leaving and going to a place called Pop Burger. It has a club in the back and a small hamburger joint in the front with about 4 tables. Burgers and Babes, cool. So being the Klassy with a K guys we are, we proceed to stand in line, which I am way to old for. As we are waiting for way to long, four girls come in to get burgers. One of them is smoking. Smokinggggggggggggggggggg. We had enough of waiting for to cool for school and walked out. As I walked past the smoking girl, I got the vibe that she was checking me out. Well my usual game plane is to keep walking. I know everyone talks about how most of the game is taking the first step. Swallow your pride and go over and say hello. As I passed her, I mentally said screw it. I turned around and sat next to her friend and leaned over and said, were you looking at me. Wow, talk about smooth. I definitely know how to pick up the ladies. At this point they all look at me with shock on their faces. The one I am addressing is all flustered and starts stammering. I said again, were you looking at me, because it seemed like you were looking at me. Now she doesn't even know what to say and responds, well I actually telling my friends that you have beautiful blue eyes. Heah Heah. I proceed to walk over pull up a chair and starting talking to them. It is going o.k. but not great since I wasn't exactly mister rico swave in approach. Here is when I hit my stride. She then offers me some of her burger. I say no. She keeps offering and I finally respond, I can't and they ask me if I am a vegetarian. I respond no, I only eat kosher meet and one the girls goes, oh yeah, we are all members of the tribe. A moment silence, I am the happy man on the earth, and then the smoking girl goes, except for me. D'oh. Well at that point things get uncomfortable. I try to work it for about five more minutes but I crash and burn. I dust myself off get up, say goodbye and leave. We're outside and to top it off, a very large hooker whole lot to love, wearing almost no clothes showing off her underwear comes over and offers us a good time. Good thing I was done for the evening.



To all the Jewish readers have a wonderful Pesach and to all the Christian readers Happy Easter

I was reminded the other day of an experience I had few years ago that convinced me that I had the power of the kevorkah. A reminder kevorkah does not only work on weird women it also has an affect on weird men, which makes it even more depressing. A few years ago I decided to apply to business school. One of the requirements for acceptance to b-school is the GMAT. Trying to be all I can be, I signed up for a Kaplan course. My teacher seemed like a nice fellow but I prefer in these types of settings to sit in the back row and keep to myself. A few classes go bye and I am luck if I have said more than a few words to either the teacher or the people I was sitting next to. One Sunday in May, a beautiful day I am sitting in my apartment around 6 and I get a phone call. Pick up the phone and it’s the GMAT teacher. Who knew? Taken a little bit by surprised I was not sure why he was calling. He starts asking me how things are going, how am I doing with the studying. I said fine. Things were going o.k. but we only had 3 classes and I was still getting comfortable. I said I had few questions but overall I thought I was o.k. Out of nowhere he offers to come over to my apartment and help me out that evening. I thought that was a little bit strange and I brushed it off and said, no I will see you in class this week and we can talk there. He offers again and says, it’s not a big deal I will walk up over it’s a beautiful day no problem. Realizing this is strange but also being the type of person that will do anything to do better, I said o.k. He then tells me he is going to walk over and will be there in about 45 minutes. Fine. Over an hour later he shows up at my apartment. Sits down and I ask him a few questions. Done. He then proceeds to sit on my couch and asks me. Ben how well do you want to do on the exam? Of course I said well. He then asks, what are you willing to do to get the high scores? I turn on my Tony Robbins alter ego and tell him I am willing to do anything. He then asks about tutoring. I said I have no problem getting a tutor but I thought it was a little premature since we only had three classes and I was not yet sure what I was having trouble with yet. By the way did I mention this guy is probably around six feet tall weighs in at around 275 pounds. He then offers to tutor me for free if I let him sleep on my couch for four or five nights a week. I said excuse me. He repeated his request and I was stunned. I proceed to tell him I can afford the tutoring but I appreciate the discount. He then tells me some crazy story about his apartment and his roommate and he can’t stay there anymore. By the way I lived alone. I didn’t know what to do and how I was going to get this guy out of my apartment. He then tells me, that he is Jewish. For all of our non-Jewish readers and people that don’t know me. I’m Jewish to. but I could care less if he was an atheist, a Buddhist or anything else. Then he tells me he has no place to go that evening and asked I he could just stay the night. Well my brain and my mouth were not connected at that moment and I said yes. Doha. Now I was feeling very comfortable when it began to sink in this guy was going to be sleeping in my place that night. I didn’t know this guy at all. Numerous possibilities of what could happen to me that night ran through my head. None of them pleasant. At this point I am starving Marvin. So I tell him I am going to grab a sandwich and he decides to come. Walk over the restaurant to take out and put in an order. He gets nothing. Then I realize this guy has no money. None. I don’t even know if he has a place to live. But he is employed by Kaplan, which I assume pays some money. Also being somewhat of a Sherlock Holmes myself I realize the reason it took so long for him to get to my apartment was he walked from the Kaplan center in the Village to my apartment on 70th and Broadway. He didn’t even have subway money, and that was when it cost $1.50. We get back to my apartment and I am shitting bricks. I go into my room and call a friend of mine and he goes off. He tells me to get the bum out of the apartment now. He says he’s coming over to get him out if I don’t. I get charged up and I tell the guy to leave but out of the kindness of my heart, I really am a good guy, give him $125 which he said costs one session of tutoring so he can stay at a hotel. He left no big deal and I went to class that next week, one session to tutoring and never again. I felt weird. So good story, huh. I ran into him a few months ago on the subway. He didn’t recognize me but I recognized him. He could afford the $2.00 subway now but not back then. Kevorkah baby.

I cannot tolerate such insubordination on this blog. It's not a democracy at all, it's a place where I can expound on the Cubs and much loved celebrity sightings. I know you guys can't get enough of the celebrity sightings, but I can't pull them out of thin air. I'm going to Lake Geneva, WI for pesach - staying at the former Americana Playboy resort, so maybe I'll see Hef there or something.

Darrell (Sanjay) gets a 1 week suspension (at least) for his insubordination. People care less about Hillel Torah than they do about my celebrity sightings.

Saw "The Ladykillers" last night. Pretty good, not great - 3 stars (out of 4). Not quite vintage Coen brothers, but their adequate stuff is still better than most of the other crap out there. Loved the Tribe Called Quest shout out - "I Left My Wallet in El Segundo" as an example of "that hippity-hop music". Saw "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind" this past week as well, excellent movie, 3 1/2 stars. Not quite as good as "Adaptation" or "Being John Malkovich" but still a great flick.

The Illini had a great year but couldn't compete with a more talented Dook team, especially after they got into foul trouble early. However, with everyone returning for next year I think we can expect big things to come.